Friday, August 22, 2008

IN DEFENSE OF METALLICA.


Let's start off by saying METALLICA has had a shitty decade so far, so in the Name of All That Is Humane, cut them some slack. If I only had a video camera and a long black wig, I would post a response to all of the grief with a sobbing hysterical rant, screaming "LEAVE METALLICA ALONE!!!" similar to that jacked-out of his gourd goofball who came to Britney Spear's defense when she hit the skids earlier this year.
C'mon and admit it folks. Metallica were responsible for a great thing in the 1980's, and it wasn't only the fact that they pretty much invented a new genre of music. They were the band that united the masses. Everyone from Stoner Mulletheads dressed in their Canadian Tuxedos to Pencil Necked Punkerdweebs with Pink Hair could agree on this band; and everyone raised their fists in unison to the 80's equivalent of the Rosetta Stone- MASTER OF PUPPETS.
1988's ...AND JUSTICE FOR ALL... was a guitar drums masterpiece, that despite the gateage, sounded like it could have been recorded in any ol' garage (even though it's not nearly as gnarly as early Voivod). They were set to hit the Metal Stratosphere with their next record, and we all knew it.
You also gotta give them credit for pretty much being the only metal band that weren't wiped from the map by the Grungers, (Guns and Fucking Roses don't count, because they were playing Elton John songs by that point...) and hey, since when does getting your hair cut mean that you deserve to get your head-banging ghetto pass revoked? Who gave you Little Sammy Satanworshippers the authority to determine THE METAL CODE OF ETHICS?
And who says Lars was out of line by threatening to sue his fans after the NAPSTER CONTROVERSY? I mean, didn't you see the scene in SOME KIND OF MONSTER where he was reduced to auction off his paintings? Clearly the guy was starving to death, and it was all the fault of you sniveling little pukes who got a little trigger-happy with that download button. Rehab and shrinks are expensive, for Econochrist's sake.
Which brings us to present day, and the news that the S.F. based conglomerate are releasing a new album call DEATH MAGNETIC, and judging from the just-released single; THE DAY THAT NEVER COMES, it is the return from a long hot trip to Hell. Gone are the piccolo snare pings that made ST. ANGER such a frustrating listen, and thank the Ghost of Yngwe Fucking Malmsteen (What, he's still alive? Go Figure.) that the guitar solos are back with a vengeance. The song starts of in true Metallica ballad form, with James Hetfield sounding crystal clear and better than ever on vocals. (Note to singers everywhere; too much Jagermiester can shread the vocal chords...) Five minutes into the song the roof gets pulled away revealing a chopped-riff crescendo (similar to ONE) that effectively builds a boot shop in my rear-end, and the closing snare roll is indicative that Lars still can pull it off when he wants. Shit, there's even the long-missed beauty of a James/Kirk Hammett harmonizing guitar solo. Not Too Shabby, fellas, I just hope the rumors aren't true about THE UNFORGIVEN III...

THE DAY THAT NEVER COMES- STREAM

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