Thursday, September 24, 2009

THE HALLS ARE FILLING UP IN CLEVELAND.



I have never been to Cleveland, and probably would never have wanted to go until I heard that THE ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME was going to set up there back in the late Eighties. Sounded like a great idea; enshrining my favorite artists like The Beatles, and giving others their perhaps long overdue credit. How exciting!!!

But boy oh boy. These days the Nominating Committee at The Rock an Roll Hall of Fame are starting to scrape the bottom of the barrel, surely they could have dredged up the names of some more deserving artists than this.

Here are this year's nominees; five of which will be picked for induction into the HALL OF FAME early next year.

ABBA- Swedish Eurotrash Pop Leviathans. I'm not a big fan, but denying these fringed, polyestered, and skin-tight sequined hit machines entry into the Hollowed Halls would be a crime to Popular Music and Good Taste itself.

The Chantels- One of the first girl doo-wop groups. They had a handful of semi-successful singles, but none cracked the top ten. Inducting this group would be like inducting THE FIXX when time comes around for enshrining the Early-Eighties Synthpop Movement, and at least The Fixx had a fucking number one hit...

Jimmy Cliff- This guy wouldn't even be remembered if it weren't for the fact that every yuppie in the western world considers THE HARDER THEY COME soundtrack as their "Obscurist Reggae Album"

Genesis- A shoo-in due to their expansive career that can be divided into three phases; the early years with Peter Gabriel as lead singer (Obtuse, obscure yet fascinating Brit-Art-Shlock), the crest of the commercial wave with that attention-starved-gummy-bear lookin' Phil Collins (The unavoidably catchy, beer company sponsored, more profitable than prostitution days), and the Post-Phil Collins days (Made Mike and the Mechanics sound like the fucking Beatles)

The Hollies- British Invasion also-rans whos induction will lead to nomination of bands like Gerry Lewis And The Playboys and The Dave Clark Five (They're already in the Hall of Fame? Well isn't that some shit.)

Kiss- A masterful moneymaking conspiracy even greater than THE PROTOCOL OF THE ELDERS OF ZION. Their induction would surely mean yet another year of interest from the mostly-rednecked classic rock crowd.

LL Cool J- The once Kangoled Wunderkind and Poet with the built in gun show. Author of lyrical brilliance like "I'm Bad, I can suck my own dick"

Darlene Love- Probably the most deserving nominee by far, and it's a sure-as-shit shame that she hasn't been inducted yet. An early alumnus of the Phil Spector audiodynasty, unforgettable lungs-for-hire on songs by Johnny Rivers and Elvis, member of The Blossoms, and as for these days, a perennial Christmas Season attraction in NYC. She's jammed with everybody from U2 to Cheech and Chong, and would get my vote for sure.

Laura Nyro- I must admit that this Brill Building styled songwriter has an impressive amount of songs under her belt. The 5th Dimension, Three Dog Night, Barbara Streisand, and Peter, Paul and Mary all struck gold with her songs, and she was also a critically lauded avant-jazzpop artist during the late 60's. It would be a nice gesture to induct her, seeing as how she died of cancer twelve years ago, but I almost would have to disqualify her on the grounds that she is responsible for unleashing on the world "AND WHEN I DIE" by Blood, Sweat, and Tears. Holy Shit, I hate that fucking song.

Red Hot Chili Peppers- Who put these cocksuckers on the ballot?

Donna Summer- Clear the way, and let her in based on her seventeen minute long orgasm "Love To Love You Baby". Most of us at one point or another have roller skated to her music, and she's worked hard for it honey. I guess. What a story; the prototypical Mariah walks away at the top of her game in the name of Jesus!!! It nearly knocked me off my platforms.

The Stooges- These potential five time losers should have been inducted in their first year of eligibility alone. Iggy Pop has inspired everyone from The Ramones to Madonna to Parliament/Funkadelic. Whether Western Culture knows it or not; this rag tag bunch of protopunk acid-eating douchebags changed Rock and Roll more than the Beatles. Guitarist Ron Ashton is dead now, and said that after being denied the ballot for years that The stooges would turn down any future invitations. They will be inducted, and the rest of the fellows will show up hopefully in the spirit of a guy who several years ago was living with his mom collecting Nazi paraphernalia.

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